Winter After Impact
by Lanie McCoy
Summary: Guilt. Sorrow. Regret. Pity. Hatred. These are the things that follow another's choice, but who knows where each lie? We all need somewhere to turn... DEATHFIC. Sequel to Red Moon. Situational OOC.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Yuu Yuu Hakusho. And honestly, I don't really wish I did, because I would undoubtedly find some way to F' it up.**

**Note: variables abound. Rarely do I actually refer to "…speech…" said Yuusuke/Kuwabara/Kurama/Yukina. More often, it's just "…speech…" "…speech…" Though much of the time, I think it's fairly obvious who's speaking.**

**Note: I actually never planned to continue _Red Moon,_ but I reread iJ3i's fic, _Tear Gem,_ and AoiHyou's fic, _That Window,_ I got all inspired. _Red Moon_ can stand alone, but you really ought to read it before you read this.**

**Timeline: this story takes place nearly a month after _Red Moon._ Why? Because no one thought to search for him.**

**That said…**

_Winter After Impact_

"Don't cry… Please, don't cry; he wouldn't have wanted you to cry over him…"

"Get _away!_"

Ice blue, for somehow, they could no longer feel right when they called it baby blue, glittered against the snow as she ran. Pale patches spotted it in random, messy places and made it look unkempt and dirty. But she refused to take it off. She said it was all she had left of him.

"_Why?!_"

She shouted it against the cool night air, though she knew she would receive no answer. She used to beg for him to reply, to pray every night and every morning, and even when there was simply nothing else to do, she would plead for him to return to tell her why. She would bed and pray and plead, but all the while, in the depths of her heart, she knew why, and she knew why he never came.

"What would I have to do to make you come back to me…? Do you want me to say I am sorry? Because I _am_ sorry, I truly am. Do you want me to say I would take it all back if I had the chance? Because I _would_ take it all back, in less than a heartbeat."

She brushed nonexistent tears from her eyes. There were no tears left, she knew. She could no longer bring herself to cry, for anyone.

"Do you want me to stop hating? Because I…" She took a breath and choked on another sob. "I don't think I can ever stop hating him…"

She stopped walking and knelt in the snow. "It's not all my fault… Some of it, some of it is his… He was there, Oniisan, he was there and he watched it all… He could have stopped you and yet, he did nothing…and I hate him for it…"

She somehow brought herself to look up, to see the frost-bitten trees and the small blue birds fluttering around her, chirping in that melodic, comforting way they had. She looked over at one tree, a tree to her left that reached high into the sky, higher than the others, and for a moment, she thought she saw a flash of black.

"Hiei!"

She ran to the base of the tree and looked up into the branches, clinging vainly to the icy trunk. "Come down, please! You've had us all…so worried…"

But he was not there, she knew. He would never be there again.

A hand laid down on her shoulder.

"You need to come inside before you freeze, Yukina-chan."

_Koorime don't freeze._

"Please…"

_But I don't need to._

"Yes…alright."

She followed silently, padding through the tracks she had made on her way out into the woods. A bird came to rest on her shoulder, and she casually brushed it away.

It chirped loudly in protest and her companion turned around.

"You…okay, Yukina-chan?"

"Fine."

They walked on in silence for a long time. Yukina hadn't even noticed how far she had run.

"Have you talked to Kurama lately? He's really worried about you, you know."

_He's worried about himself._

"Do you have something against him, or something?"

_Only that he murdered my brother._

"If you're angry at something he did, you should talk to him about it."

_I know that he wouldn't understand._

"Kuwabara's worried about you, too."

_Kazuma shouldn't be worried._

"Yukina-chan, you've gotta talk to someone soon about…this. I dunno, about everything."

"Thank you for your concern, really. I will talk to someone."

They reached the temple again and Yukina sat beneath Hiei's tree.

_Come back to me, brother…_

She unearthed a piece of rice paper from her ice blue kimono. Black ink words stared up at her.

_You're wondering why I'm doing this, aren't you? Why I've written this here. On rice paper with black ink. Left it on your doorstep, on the porch of the shrine. If you aren't, you shouldn't be. I wish you wouldn't._

_Of course I wondered, Oniisan… I went against your wishes, and I'm sorry…but I couldn't help wondering why…_

_I still wonder why…_

_Why you left me…_

She mouthed the words as she read that passage, those simple lines, over and over, and she asked him why.

_Why have you written such a letter to me?_

But she knew now, she had known for weeks.

It was his final goodbye.

_Why rice paper and black ink?_

The frailest of all things, purity, as he thought her to be, and the darkest ink, wickedness, as he thought himself.

_Why the doorstep of the shrine, where I would find it, and only I?_

Only she was meant to read the letter, and things meant for her eyes alone should be found by her alone.

How could she not wonder and worry?

He thought she hated him…

A whisper…

"No…"

A promise…

"I'll always love you…"

A prayer…

"I only wish you would come back to me…"

A tear…

"Your final goodbye…"

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"Maybe you should talk to her. As the team leader."

He shook his head. "Nah. I think…the best thing right now is for her to be alone."

"Well, if you think it would be best, then I suppose there's no talking you out of it."

A chuckle. "Nope."

_He has only your best interests at heart._

"Why don't you think she's talked to you? You were his best friend, right?"

A sigh. "I thought so… She blames me, I guess. For not seeing it coming, for not stopping it, for doing something, anything, really, to keep him alive."

A long pause.

"…You were there, weren't you? When he…did it?"

A longer pause.

"Yes…"

Another sigh. "You can hate me, too, if you want. I won't hold it against you."

"Hey, man, I don't hate you. I don't think there was anything you could have done. From what you said about…it, he was pretty set on doing it from before you even got there. And, you know, I believe you."

"Are you sure that's what's best for everyone?"

"What, forgiving you?"

A nod.

"Of course. And hey, even if it isn't what's best for everyone, it's what's best for you and me right now, and I do forgive you."

A smile. "Thank you. You are making me feel better, really."

A soft laugh.

And no one noticed how fake it was.

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She uttered a loud, choking sob, the hundredth one so far, and now, after weeks and weeks of dry sobs, the prayer and the wish had opened to gates again, and tears and Hiruseiki covered her kimono and streaked down her face. Her head rested on her knees and more patchy dark spots appeared on her clothes as blood leaked from her palms, where the nails dug in. She repeated a pained mantra as she rocked slightly, back and forth.

"Why…why…why… My brother…why…why…why… My brother…why…"

Kurama had given up trying to comfort her the instant she turned him away, and it had been instant. Yuusuke had stopped trying after the twentieth attempt lead to more fruitless wastes of time. Kuwabara, who might be the only one of them all who should still try, had given up as well, saying her need to be alone was greater now than her need to be comforted.

Her screams were common now, nearly four weeks after that fateful day, and the Tantei ignored them. Kurama listened, sometimes, to her words as she shrieked for all the heavens to hear, but never moved in to offer support.

Now was one of those times.

"WHY?! You FOOL! Why didn't you _tell_ me? WHY did you do it? WHY! Tell me why! Please, tell me, tell me WHY! WHY! Why you were so foolish! Why you killed yourself! Why you thought I didn't care! Tell me! Tell me WHY!"

She was no longer Yukina now, they all knew. She was an empty shell of the beautiful maiden she had once been, and no one knew a way to bring her back, so they let her fall deeper and further into her blind depression.

Kurama knew something the others didn't, though. Kurama knew that this, of all things, was not what Hiei wanted.

There was little he could do to honor his best friend's memory. He had built a shrine in a special secluded area of the park that he and Hiei used to frequent, and a small one in his room, complete with the Hiruseiki stones Hiei used to wear around his neck. His mother often questioned the meaning and origin of the beautiful pearls, but Kurama never told her, and he never explained why a fire was always kept lit behind the black silk pillow where they rested. Yukina had been offered her brother's katana, but the bloodstains had brought on a new wave of anguish, and she had been unable to look at the blade, so the sword and its scabbard were kept on a long silk cloth, black, the way Hiei would have wanted.

Because there was so little he could do, he decided to do only one more thing.

Nearly a month of waiting and procrastinating, and he was finally going to take action to pay last respects to his dear friend.

"Yukina."

"Get _away!_"

"No."

He sat beside the tortured girl, careful not to touch her, but to stay close enough that she could touch him if she chose.

"You blame me for your brother's death."

"…Don't call him that… He was Hiei, and no flesh and blood of mine…"

"That's not true and you know it. He was your brother and you loved him. Why else would you be so distraught upon his leaving us?"

"Maybe I don't want to hear the truth… Especially not from _you._"

"Why do you blame me?"

"Because it's all your fault!" she cried, turning bright red eyes on him, puffy, redder than they should have been. "You were there! You watched him go, and you did nothing to stop it! It's all your fault…!"

"It isn't, and you know that too." He paused for a moment, orchestrating his thoughts. "You know what happened that night, Yukina, even if you don't admit it. I've told the story enough times. You know I tried to stop him."

"You clearly didn't try very hard!"

His expression saddened, and his gaze nearly faltered. "Maybe not…maybe it _is_ my fault… But, Yukina, you can't go on blaming me. Because you blame me for all the wrong reasons."

"You were _there!_ What more reason do I _need?_"

"Tell yourself the truth, Yukina."

"It's not my fault!"

_You do know the truth…don't you…?_

_Please tell me you do…_

"It's no one's fault. Hiei made a decision, and there was nothing you or I or anyone else could do. We didn't know."

"But it _is!_ Don't you see? It's – it's your fault! You were – there, and…!" She choked on her words.

"It isn't, Yukina, and you know it isn't."

Maybe he was just trying to make himself feel better. Maybe it was his fault and he knew it. Maybe she was right and he was wrong. But words were special things, and words could make him feel better, even if those words were wrong.

Because he wanted to believe.

"It's all my fault…"

_What?_

She curled in on herself, and he lay his arm over her back in an attempt at comfort. "It isn't, Yukina…"

"I told him to leave, when he said he was my brother… I told him to go away… It's all my fault… He's dead now, because of me…" She sobbed, but once again, the tears would not come. "If I had only told him I loved him, that it was alright… That I didn't care…"

"You can't keep blaming yourself, Yukina. No one else does. This is how it was meant to be, and you can't change destiny. Neither can I, no matter how we try and how much we want to."

He helped her sit up and offered her a gentle hug.

"He was my best friend. I loved him, too. But no matter what we tell ourselves, he was depressed and confused. He didn't know what, or who to believe. Maybe this is the path he just had to take. It isn't your fault."

_It's mine…_

"Maybe you're right…"

Her sobs ceased in choked gasps.

"I have to stop blaming myself, and you."

"It's okay. You needed to blame someone, and I was…here."

_And you were right, anyway._

"I'm sorry, really."

"Don't think about it. It's no trouble."

She was clinging to him in a desperate hug. His arm was wrapped around her shoulders.

"Thank you…"

"Mm-hmm."

She stood slowly, after a long moment. He stood with her, but when she walked slowly up to the shrine, he turned to walk out into the woods.

_She was right after all… After these long, torturous weeks, I can finally come to accept it…_

_It was all my fault…_

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_Dear Yukina,_

_I wished, once upon a time, that I could see the light the way you do. When I was only Youko, I once wished I could fly as the birds do, high above the clouds without a care or a worry in the world. I wished I could see the light in ways that only purity like you can._

_I almost wish I could see you find this letter here. In the same place his was. On the same paper. Written from the same inkwell with the same brush. If you worry for me now, I wish you wouldn't._

_My life has become too tainted for even me to bear, you see. One of the closest and dearest people to me has taken his own life, and may I tell you something? You were right all along. It was my fault. Because I stood there and watched as such an unspeakable act took place, and I did nothing to try to remove that blade from his hands. Perhaps I made a move to, but still, I could do nothing, and now a person dear to me is gone._

_Hiei was right, I see that now. Life no longer holds a purpose for creatures like him and me, and I have no desire to wait out this ordeal to see this movie's final scene._

_But Hiei was right, and he sad it all in words I could never dream of. So I tell you only this._

_How long before I'm gone? I don't know, Yukina._

_I suppose…_

_It depends when you find me._

_Because you will search, won't you?_

_I know you, Yukina, and I know you will search._

_And I may only wish you the best of luck in finding me someday._

_With much love,_

_Kurama_

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The same red moon rose over the same cold mountain where he stood on the same frozen snow.

The same spots of the beautifully pure terrain were stained the same color of liquid red.

But one thing was wrong.

No one was there to see him go.

He prayed they would find him soon.

_It was all my fault…_

_I love you all, and before I go, let me say only this…_

_I'm sorry…_

The pain was brief.

And then he was gone.


End file.
